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I have not posted for a long time, because I feel like I don’t have anything positive to say. About anything. I am afraid that I will just dive down into that dark well and never return. I’ve been waiting for a few months now for things to turn around, or at least for me to be able to take what is coming with grace and swallow it, digest it, and the results would not be complete shit. But, GOD! Every time I get to this place, there is something else! Some different type of straw layed gently atop of that camel, creating a tower so unsteady. I’m trying to maintain …I take one piece off, study it, hoping to find the answer to remedy the problem…and then the more I focus on this, “trying” thing the more I feel like I’m making everything in life so much about me. I am sick, I am depressed, I am worried, I am tired, I have so much to do and I can’t do it because I’m so sick. My kids are suffering because I can’t be there for them. Too many “I’s.” I could write out a list of things that I’m dealing with, but it wouldn’t change anything.
I am hoping and praying that somehow in all of this there is a “good.” There in time I will look back on this and see that faithfulness was enough…that the hope that comes from knowing that there is a God who wants to make all things right, will steady me though. But, I’m a wreck. A complete wreck. Please, please, please God…no more.
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Oh Kari…I feel your frustration and pain. All I can say is that I’ve been there. I don’t have any fabulous advice, just try to love on your kids and don’t worry about anything else.
I know 10 days before Christmas is a bad time to be sick — here’s hoping you find something that helps you feel better. Peace and love to you.
Comment by Erin December 16, 2010 @ 3:04 pmOh Erin…thanks. The hardest part has been that I have not been able to hug or get really close to my kids because I have strep and it’s really contagious. I’ve been trying to stay away from them, because their last day at their preschool before we move is TODAY, and they are in a Christmas play. BUT school was canceled today because of the snow!!! I just started crying. Mayah has been working so hard and has been so excited about her play and I’m not sure what to do about saying goodbye to teachers, etc…
Comment by karilynnbryant December 16, 2010 @ 3:47 pmWe are moving to St Louis right after Christmas, to a rental house we have not physically seen yet and because there have been so many other unexpected emergencies come up, we are not ready at all. Although this should be the least of my worries right now, I’m freaking out because I haven’t found a preschool for my daughter, an endocrinologist for my son, a christmas present for my husband, and our house here is on the market…which reminds me that I have not been able to get outside to clean up the dog poop in our backyard for about 2 weeks! Gross. At least it’s now covered in snow. The good part about not having anyone want to look at our house is that it’s probably more dirty than it’s ever been! My daughter just told me that my son just peed all over her bed. I must go.
Kari I just want to give you a big hug. I would feel the same if I had all those unexpected and unknown things plopped on my lap.
My hope and prayer for you (and I am praying) is that you will find your groove in your new home. That you will find a community that you fit in with for support and companionship. I wish you were moving here. I think I said that last time you moved and I really mean it. You’re witty and insightful and have such a great sense of humour.
Big Hug!
Comment by Ruth December 16, 2010 @ 6:17 pmI didn’t realize the move was that soon! No wonder you are stressed and sick! I’m sorry about all of it. I would say “get some rest”, but I imagine that’s darn near impossible.
It would be easy to offer platitudes from where I sit, so I won’t. Choose the things that are immediately necessary to deal with, and leave the rest for later. Love and hugs to you, wish I could help you out.
Comment by Erin December 16, 2010 @ 8:51 pmKari,
Comment by Michelle February 6, 2011 @ 8:13 pmChecking in on you. It’s been a few weeks since your post. Hope things are better for you!