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Lately there have been many days I look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person looking back at me. And not just because I’m getting older and my physique has morphed into that of one who has born children. I have allowed myself to be changed. Ever so slightly, bit by bit, it seems as if the one who I once was is disappearing. I guess some would think this a good thing, but I have recently realized that the gnawing on my inside is my spirit somehow trying to tell me, “Hey! Where are you going? What are you doing?” It is not a good feeling.
There are a lot of things going on in my life right now that could be the reason for depression. And seriously, if I listed even half of them here, you may want to send me directly to the nut house. And yet, when I get really honest with myself, I know that the ONE culprit is how I’ve allowed myself to be swayed in so many ways. Persuaded. Talked into it. They told me it was “stretching yourself, you know, you are supposed to step outside of your comfort zone in order to grow.” But, the constant pressure to ignore my inner voice and do something different has resulted in NOT growth, but a shrinking of my self worth, a narrowing of my mind, an anchor of lead that I drag behind me, and a fog in my head that has made me unable to see. You see, there are things that GIVE life, and things that SUCK the life out of you. As an introvert, maybe I could even say for me, there are more things that suck the life out of me than give me life. Don’t try to talk me out of it. It just is. For me.
I have gone back to an old way of thinking: My worth is based on man’s opinion. In a way, I’ve “chased other loves.” To please man. And I’m looking in on the chaos that has been my life for the past year, and am trying to “straighten up” a bit, sift through the ashes, locate the value, retrieve that which remains. And one thing keeps coming to my mind. “A locked garden.” A garden enclosed…flowing with fountains, and blooming with fruit, and yet the gate remains closed, waiting for the things that God has truly called me to, to enter, eat, and play there. Things like my family. My God. I am a simple woman. That’s probably an overstatement. And for the past year or so, I’ve been running so fast, doing my best to meet criteria that is so far out of my league, that I have not been able to enjoy my young children, my husband, or even my time alone.
I feel so fortunate, so incredibly thankful for this glimpse, this hint.
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You know, when I saw those words “a garden enclosed,” what came to mind for me was that, despite all the feeling sucked dry, and all of those awful, awful AWFUL feelings of being swayed in so many ways (once you start recognising how much you are swayed by other people, how ingrained it is in us, how abjectly TERRIFYING it is at times how easily we are swayed, especially as women) … and yet reading those words “a garden enclosed,” I thought that even though you feel this way, everything is still there, you are all still there, Kari, dripping fruit juice, even when you feel you are in the middle of the desert.
Always. Always. That is always there and nothing can take it away from you. Not even you
Comment by Sue November 4, 2010 @ 1:29 amWhat comes to mind for me….especially when we have small children, there isn’t always enough room in ourselves for ourselves. It’s normal to fall back on the path of least resistance for all the other exhaustions we face daily. Sometimes it’s simply too much work to move forward with who we really are, when we are tugged on in so many directions.
I know in my own personal experience, this tension didn’t begin to let up until they were both in full day school. Maybe this sounds cliche, and maybe it doesn’t apply to you…but it’s something I understand, at least on that level.
Comment by Erin November 4, 2010 @ 11:22 pmThanks Sue and Erin…on some level, Erin, I know that to be true, but I have also realized, even as I’m sitting here today in a place that I have no business being (but I AM because I committed to it 6 months ago – I’m INSANE) that this place is not right. I will likely not be as free from the tension until I do have a bit more time to myself. I’m looking forward to it! It’s a relief, in some ways, to be able to finally step back and see…OK, THIS is why I feel so yucky about who I am! I may be better able to deal with the tensions if I were at least better able to trust my gut and act on THAT more than let others pull me so much.
Comment by kari November 6, 2010 @ 2:33 pm