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For all of you moms out there, I’d like to offer up some real life honesty about the way I’m feeling about parenting right now. Guilt, incompetence, selfishness, anger, and exhaustion. I’m a bit depressed again. I just told my husband I think I need to be admitted to the psych ward. He laughed, but I’ve had more days where that seems a better option than where I’ve been. I haven’t slept without being medicated for about 3 weeks now, which for me, means I haven’t really slept. It’s been raining here for the last month, no sun. I’m potty training a 2 yr old little boy, which means I’m cleaning up pee and poop a lot. I have to stop everything I’m doing wherever I am to go potty, and if it’s a public restroom, I usually get peed on, no matter how we try it. I’m struggling with the behavior of my 4 yr old daughter. We have very similar personalities, and for the past two weeks, it’s been TORTURE to even be around her. Add guilt now. I’m so tired from this marathon, that I don’t have what it takes to keep running right now, and this is starting to creep in to that parental confidence thing. If you don’t believe in what you are doing, if you don’t have confidence, your kids will probably sense it and walk all over you. Well, I’m there. I’ve lost the joy. I don’t want to be a parent right now. I don’t want to be around my kids because all it seems like I do is yell at them, and for those of you who know me, you know I don’t really yell. I keep looking for the underlying cause…there must be something going on in my subconscious, that’s causing a complete meltdown – physical, emotional, mental…and then I realize that there are SEVERAL things going on:
- breakdown of my understanding of christianity as I knew it
- upcoming visit to see family (a whole other blog post in itself)
- deployment of my brother in law to Afghanistan
- limbo state of major life situation, which is always going on in the back of my head – are we moving again? When? What’s Luke’s job situation? Where will he be transferred to if he is transferred again? Can I make it through another move?
I can’t really see the light right now, and I need a glimmer. I need some sort of spark, something…
What do you do when you are at the end of yourself?
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I too find that when I have pressures and anxieties in many areas, my patience with my family goes way down along with my presence of mind. It very well might be you’ve got some triggers going on and could explore what is going on deeper inside. You are quite an analytical person Kari. Why don’t you source out a counselor , a group, a self awareness workbook or something like that. Maybe just a good inspiring book. Those kinds of things are helpful to me.
Of course, a Martini goes a long way too.
Comment by Ruth May 20, 2010 @ 1:41 amKari, you are soooo not alone. I have been there. Maybe not the same stressors, but the same enough. Hug for you.
What do I do when I’m at the end? Well, when the children were small, I had a standing arrangement with my husband that some days, when he got home, I could take my purse and leave for an hour with no explanation, and he would take over with the kids.
Other ideas: Get a sitter to come for 3-4 hours once a week, regularly, whether you need it or not. Then take a nap, go for a walk, go get a pedicure,go to a movie, whatever. That saved my sanity, too.
I think the big thing is, moms of small kids NEVER get to be alone with themselves. So do that, somehow.
Oh, and I agree with the things Ruth said, too.
Comment by Erin May 20, 2010 @ 5:11 amErin that’s so true. We just need to get away from them once in a while to come back recharged.And I think they probably need to get away from us too.
Comment by Ruth May 20, 2010 @ 4:58 pmYou’re not alone. Parenting can be extremely maddening and draining…I’m with Erin, take some time for yourself AWAY from kids for a significant amount time when you can… plan for it weekly…,daily, hourly
Comment by Manuela May 21, 2010 @ 8:12 pmIt’s good to get our feelings out AND to have a complete change of scenery! I just find it’s hard to tend to my emotional being (or any part of my being) when I have a five year old 24/7! Life is hard enough as it is.
All parents struggle with guilt at times. I guess it’s a part of needing a little breather…It’s hard work. And I only have one!
my thoughts are with you
gosh I didn’t know my smiles were gonna pop out like THAT! oh well.. (smile)
Comment by Manuela May 21, 2010 @ 8:16 pmI always love my kids. I don’t always like them. Sometimes I don’t like them for a long time. But, sending them to their rooms accomplishes two things. One, it is a punishment. Two, and most importantly, it gets them out of my hair for a while.
“Parents don’t care about fair, right or wrong. Parents only care about quiet.”-Bill Cosby
I am in his camp, shut up, and leave me alone.
Comment by Nate Peres May 27, 2010 @ 5:49 amKari,
What do I do when I’m at the end of myself?
I give myself permission to feel what I’m feeling and not beat myself up for it. That has been an incredibly difficult thing to learn and I still fail often. You and I are guilt-sufferers for whatever reason and the worst thing we can do is beat ourselves up for how we feel. Be it a good day or a bad day; it is what it is.
We all know parenting has its rewards but it is also very stressful and draining. You’re doing such a great job. I love your FB posts. Your children are beautiful. You’re managing so very much at one time. It’s quite alright to throw your sucker in the dirt from time to time. Take a breather any time you can and do NOT feel guilty for it!
Comment by Michelle May 27, 2010 @ 12:19 pmThank you, friends…I do feel a bit better. I am fortunate to have a wonderful husband who is great at filling in when needed, and just after I wrote this, the following day, he took off of work and took the kids to the zoo and let me sleep in and then have an entire morning to work in my garden…:)
I have definitely discovered that my stress is coming from my anxiety about our upcoming trip “home” to Texas…my family is quite dysfunctional (aren’t they all?).
I am presently enjoying a glass of wine, but before that I’ve taken your advice and taken a bit more time for myself, which DOES make me a nicer mom! Erin, I also actually had a friend approach me and tell me that her daughter was looking for a mother’s helper type of job for the summer if I’d be interested…not sure if that was a clue as to how obvious my stress is!
Yes, Michelle, you nailed it – I AM a guilt-sufferer! Can this be changed?
Thank you friends!
Comment by kari May 29, 2010 @ 1:19 amNate that’s hilarious! I’m so there about the shut up and leave me alone thing. I Feel guilty sometimes when I find myself saying things like “get out of my face” and “I just don’t want to hear your whiny voice right now.”
Comment by Ruth May 29, 2010 @ 4:23 pm