Karilynnbryant’s Weblog

Christianity is a Struggle

I suppose for some people, it’s black and white.  Either you believe in the God of the Bible and you are going to heaven, or you don’t.  Of course that would not be the case for me.  Faith is one of those things I’ve struggled with all of my life.  It has played many different roles, taking on many different appearances throughout the past 30 years.

Honestly, I’ve pretty much just eaten what I’ve been fed until now.  I’ve believed, moved with the masses, even shared the so called wealth.  I have been excited by having experienced God, I’ve been convinced I’ve been lovesick.  I’ve been talked into believing God was my boyfriend-kind-of-God, and that Jesus, God, and The Holy Spirit somehow all weave everything in history and in the future together in some magical way that makes sense to so many folks, that the END is coming tomorrow, that God heals people with cancer, that God speaks in audible words.  Ever wonder why you yourself have never experienced that?  Is your faith not strong enough, as they teach in the prosperity gospel?  Maybe it’s your personality?

What brought me back to a real and vibrant faith (as those in the church would call it), was an exposure and experience at The International House of Prayer, where I felt things I was told “in the spirit” that I’ve never felt, and I now realize how much of that was not reality, but mostly a play on my emotions and where i was at in my life during those years.  I never moved there or became involved, but I was a fervent listener to their messages and music.  I don’t doubt that God has used them, or that He did touch my heart through that place and experience, but as I have been in a place of nothing-ness for the past 3 years, I find myself questioning everything my faith was based on.   The way that I pray, the way that I worship, the person of God, my relationship with Jesus…all of it seems to be coming crashing down around me, yet again.

I find myself wondering:  Without all of the emotions, considering the different interpretations and translations of the Bible, with all of the different religious teachings out there and different denominations and PhDs, and opinions, and supposed “words” from God, WHAT IS THE TRUTH?  WHO IS GOD? Did I know him (or her)?

I thought a few years ago, that I was being forced to begin again, start from scratch with my faith, but now as I sit here, trying to put into perspective all of the broken pieces of information that WAS my faith, I realize I don’t really have much left this time.  I never truly did discover who God is.  And the question that kept popping up in my head last night as I pondered this was, “How can I love someone I don’t even know?”

So, what do I take with me?  What do I leave behind?  Presently, I’m not even sure I care, and so my only prayer is that God would somehow show my the truth, and give me the desire to learn again.

Here is a post that I read last night, that seemed to hit the mark.

http://communitascollective.com/dealing-with-doubt/

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