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Does sharing intimate secrets about your life make you somebody’s friend? Or does knowing someone for a long time, years and years, make you a friend? Does having a “history” with someone make you their friend? I’m certain that none of these things on their own constitute friendship.
I listened to someone speak yesterday, who focused on relationships, and specifically, how God designed women to be “relational.” Apparently, women need friends to gush to, to share with, to lean on, more than men. As I sat listening to him describe his wife’s friendship with someone she’s known for years, and how she works hard to maintain that friendship, it struck me that I don’t really have any REALLY close, I mean CLOSE friends anymore. Somewhere in the midst of the moving and the babies and the life changes I have become disconnected. I look back and can remember having really close friends, who I shared my fears with, my hopes with, friends who knew my secrets and loved me still, friends who would pray with me, and not be afraid to just tell me the truth, even if it hurt. I miss having these kinds of friends. As I look back at each situation, I can clearly see where we parted ways…sometimes it was a wound left gaping, sometimes it was just that we became too different to have much to talk about…sometimes it was timing…marriage…whatever it was. I think now, in hindsight, I could have done a lot of things differently, and I should have. But, I wasn’t who I am now. I was not ready to risk rejection to be honest about how I was feeling, or let on that my feelings had been hurt, or that I was struggling with time and energy.
It’s hard for me to open up to people. I have some major rejection issues…and sometimes, with moving as frequently as we do, it just seems like it’s too hard to put effort into something that will just change or break my heart later on. This made me so sad as I sat yesterday and listened to this man describe this beautiful relationship between his wife and her friend. And honestly, I was a bit envious…and yet, even now as I sit here and write this, I am thinking to myself, “I just don’t have the energy to invest.” Is that pathetic? I think partly it’s because I have been lazy, but partly I’ve not learned until recently how to respect myself and how to say no and how to put in place healthy boundaries. I’ve been walked on and taken advantage of …I want to help people, but more than that, I never wanted anyone to be mad at me. I think this characteristic draws in the crazy people, the life draining co-dependent, manipulative, and broken people who can only be helped by God himself. Maybe I thought I was God.
Today I once again found myself in the midst of a manipulative pseudo-relationship. A woman I do not know very well, has been calling me a lot lately and inviting me over to her house. Because of sick kids and me being out of town, we’ve never gone, but were going to go over today. I tried to get in touch with her last night to make sure she was still expecting us, but after all of the hullaballoo she’s made about us coming over, strangely, she didn’t answer the phone, but responded with a text message that said no, she had scheduled a doctor’s appt for this morning, but she really really needed to talk to me, and would I please call her. Hmm…I had JUST called her. When I called her back, she basically said that since we were planning on coming over anyway, I could just watch her dog while she was gone and let the carpet installers in, but that I needed to make sure my daughter knew not to mix up the library books with the others. WHAT? Without waiting for my response she continued on about what good friends we were and then proceeded to spill some very awful news about her current family situation, which I also found to be very bizarre. Then she told me how envious of my marriage she was, and some other things…which made me pretty uncomfortable. I was trying to formulate in my head how to respond to her, when she abruptly said, “Oh, you live very far away from here, I’ll just call someone else to come over.” It was then that I was somewhat honest with her and told her that I would not feel comfortable going over to her house, not knowing where she lived or knowing her dog, without her being there, and I wasn’t going to be helping her out this morning. The conversation pretty much ended there, but she did ask if she could call me in the middle of the night if she were in trouble. So, there is this part of me that realizes that this person is in desperate need of some help and friendship, but inside I know that I cannot help her. And I was also angry that she tried to manipulate me. So, I started wondering why she considered me to be a friend to her…?? She apologized over and over for not sharing her family stuff with me earlier, which I was not sure why she would have shared it, since we don’t really know one another. Another manipulation. Then she reminded me that she had shared some stuff with me before about her personal life. Yes. This was true…but does this constitute friendship? It made me wonder if maybe I was just being judgmental and rude. Am I? Or did I just realize some self respect and say no?
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WOW. Kari…Obviously this woman is in great need of support, but don’t automatically assume you are one to provide it. It’s hard when you’re a compassionate person to want to help and befriend everyone you can, but truth is, when you have children you have to think about a)their safety and b)what you have room for in your life. I don’t think that’s judgmental. And in the end, trust your instincts. From where I sit this seems pretty strange, then again, I only know what you have shared about the situation. But if it seems strange to you, it probably is.
On another note, in my own personal experience, having small children will often dissolve pretty much all “real” “authentic” friendships, at least for a season — unless you have kids the same ages too. For many years while my children were small, my “friends” consisted simply of women from church with whom I had shared need — all our kids were small and we could hang out together and not be so lonely, and we each needed others who could take care of our kids at times — but didn’t really have anything else in common.
I say this to encourage you…because as my children have grown I have rekindled a number of friendships from the past, as well as developed many new ones with whom I have shared interests, and not just kids, in common. It’s so very hard, I know, but it will pass…your children will grow and your life will change.
Comment by Erin March 13, 2010 @ 4:18 amI think you’re just being honest with this woman. I agree with Erin, trust your gut. The conflict you feel is because you are caring. But from experience, people who are disrespectful and manipulative, invoke feelings of guilt and play on those, even if not consciously. I’ve experienced this… You can pray for her and let it go at that. If she is being abused, suggest where she could find help? You do have your hands full with little ones. I know I do with my daughter.
Comment by Manuela March 14, 2010 @ 9:01 amIt IS challenging to maintain friendships when we are full-time moms, unless others share the experience or understand and don’t have super-high expectations/demands!!
I really understand the abandonment issues thing. It’s been a struggle for me too.