Karilynnbryant’s Weblog

Lately I feel like an alien on this planet…not excited about things that excite those close to me, not interested in things most moms my age are interested in…I’m really feeling it today.  Wish I could find my “place” in this world among others.  Wish I could just “get it” when people are talking and I’m totally lost.  I really feel like I am from a different planet.  I don’t understand…I read things and get something totally different than most people.  I see things and interpret them strangely…I hear things differently.  Oh, sometimes this could be good, but today I feel totally odd.  A weirdo.

I was raised by my father, who always emphasized the importance of education, the importance of independence, a good job, looking good on the outside, pleasing people, keeping your house very clean, and not associating with others who may give you a bad image.  These are not bad things, by any means.  And I did them very well!

I now have 2 children.  I have a 3 (almost 4) year old, and a 1 (almost 2) year old.   And now…I have no idea what I learned in college or high school, and I do not use it.   I do not have a “job” as in a corporate job, instead I have a 24/7 heavy duty, physical, emotional,  mental, spiritual devotion (whether I want to or not, whether I CAN or not) to two people who are watching and taking in and mimicking almost every move I make.  No pressure.    It is rare that I shower in the morning, and I do well to get my teeth brushed and my contacts in.  My house is rarely NOT a disaster…and often I find food in places unexpected like house plants, under beds, and in the dryer.   I no longer have the time or the capacity to think about what other people think of me, whether or not my house is spotless.

For a time, this was horribly hard for me to endure…it was as if in my mind I was being pulled in opposite directions, one part of me wanted so badly to continue the life I had before kids and to just fit them into it.  I miss my friends…I miss being able to go out and have dinner and wine and play cards and not worry about how I was going to feel in the morning when someone was completely dependent upon me.  I missed being able to talk on the phone whenever I wanted to, or exercise when I needed to.  I missed intellectual conversation, and reading books that were not about parenting!  Yet, this other part of me, my heart, wanted so badly to be able to give myself completely to my family, to play with my children, to sit on the floor with them, to not worry about all of the things that I was taught to accomplish.   I always wanted my kids to grow up and remember the fun times that they had with their family…remember that their parents were there for them, loved them, and did not put everyone and every THING else in the world before them.

But now something has changed…it’s as if I can clearly see what is necessary and what is ridiculous.  Something has changed in me…and the pull that I feel now, is on those rare days when we are so busy that I have not had time to sit down and just cuddle or read or sing with my kids.  My heart aches…it’s like I get this feeling that I know they are missing something WAY more important than school or ballet or a play date.  It’s hard.  Of course, some days I would much rather zone out and spend all day on the computer than stop to discipline or stop to listen or wipe a bottom…  And most days I would WAY rather be able to just take a shower and make my bed and sweep the floor.

But…it’s ok now.  It’s ok and it’s GOOD, because I feel like my kids are the reason I am HERE right now.  I mean, of course there are other reasons, but for this time,  this short time, I can focus on their well being and their hearts, and I can love it.  I do love it.

I am by no means a perfect parent.  I don’t think there is such a thing…and many times my kids are the ones that other parents are probably looking at, thinking, “My kids will NEVER do that!”  But as we grow together, I have seen God in so many new ways…I’ve seen what is important to HIM.    My kids have been able to teach me GRACE, better than anyone, and they have taught me PATIENCE better than anyone (and if you have kids, you know this is true), and they have softened my heart towards people and situations that I have misjudged or prejudged in the past.  It’s as if I can see the world through a whole new lense…I see myself differently, I see God differently,  the “unlovely”  are beautiful.   It’s as if, I had all of this head knowledge for so long, but it has now just begun to flow down to my core, to the deepness of me.

…can ruin a whole day.  It wasn’t so bad to begin with, although I did end up teaching the 3s and 4s sunday school class TWICE this morning.   That is a post for another time.   I get so frustrated that I can let a few bad things ruin my whole day, but it has happened to me today.

I pulled out of my driveway after looking both ways, not seeing any traffic…and just as I put my car into drive, 3 motorcycles just about ran me over.  Three young smart ass punks who think it’s cool to terrorize a young mom who has both of her kids in her car.  Lucky for me, they must have been going exactly where I was heading, because they tailgated me and ran up on the side of my car (in my lane) until I finally made a nice hand gesture, waving them back.  Apparently one of them saw my unfriendly wave, and revved his engine and came around the side of my car to go around me (in my lane) and then swerved, cut the car in front of me off and then turned off into a gas station where his immature little buddies met up with him.

I was on my way to the grocery store to pick up just a couple of things so I took the kids, and put Sam in his stroller.  The groceries would fit in the basket below his seat.  Of course, I had forgotten that because my daughter no longer naps, she is a holy terror between the hours of 3-5pm, and lucky for me, she decided to show all of the others at the store this side of her.   As if it’s not bad enough to be in the grocery store with 2 kids, one of them making a scene, a lady who was shopping with her husband or boyfriend or whatever he was, walking right beside me, says loudly to her companion, “Remind me never to take my kids shopping!  Yikes!”  Yes.  She actually said yikes.  I then turned around and gave her my best “go to hell” look.  Twice.  The nerve of that woman! ,

We did eventually make it out of the store, and almost into the house.  Almost.  Well, I made it into the house, but before I could get the grocery bags on the counter, I hear my daughter:  “EEEWWWW!  Mommy, Sam’s playing in the cat box!”  I ask her, “With his hands?,” and she replies, “Yes, and he’s putting them in his mouth.”  Oh lovely.

As fast as I can I fly down the stairs to verify, yes, he is in the litter box, covered in cat poo and pee…it’s in his hair and eyes.

At this point, I lost my temper.  The yelling began.

I have not had much time lately to sit down and write.  It seems this is true for most of my blogging friends.  I do not know if a season has passed, or if we are all just busy.  Maybe facebook really HAS taken over!

I have wanted to write, but cannot gather my thoughts enough to make it worthwhile, but if and when I do get a chance, I am hoping to share a bit about some of the things – more spiritual – that have been weighing more heavily on my heart.  One of them is my recent struggle with prayer -now that I am looking at God as something different than my cash register or slot machine, what does prayer look like?  Why do we ask God for things?  Why does the Bible instruct us to pray in a specific way if the results are not there or not what we expect?  This is just the surface…this has been really hard for me lately.  Is it all chance?  Is it about faith?  When  is it selfish to ask for something you WANT?  Or is this all too complicated?

Also…my 3 yr old has been asking questions lately about God, and I have no way to explain or answer her.  I learned about God as a child in a fairytail way, and I don’t want her to experience that.  I also don’t want her to ve afraid of God, which is how so many children are taught behavior…”God doesn’t want you to do that,” type stuff.  Most of my answers have been “I don’t know.”  I am not sure what I really DO know anymore, and my perspective is changing so much lately…I was trying to talk to her the other day and realized how bizarre it all sounds.  It sounds crazy!  The things in the Bible – the Bible stories that we read, those things don’t happen that way today, so what is a better way to talk to a child about the Bible or God?  Without teaching her to be judgmental or insane?  How do you explain your Father in heaven when you have a father here?  Where is heaven?  How can God be there and here?  Why is Jesus there now and not here still?  What does a spirit look like?

I just started a new book.  It may take me a while to finish it since time seems to be outrunning me these days, but so far I’ve really enjoyed it, and I’d like to talk about it here more when there is a chance.  It is called, “A Glimpse of Jesus, The Stranger To Self-Hatred.”  It’s by Brennan Manning…I have not wanted to read any religious books lately, and was suprised when this one caught me up in it’s pages…it seems to address the bartering mentality that my struggle with prayer seems to be centered around.

Anyhow…I miss this place.

From the Album All Right Here

You Did That For Me

by Sara Groves

I don’t have to cry anymore • I don’t have to worry about what’s in store • I’ve walked that road exhausted and poor • I don’t have to cry anymore • • And I don’t have to know it all • I don’t have to be so proud and stand so tall • I climbed that mountain only to fall • I don’t have to know it all • • You did that for me • Oh, you did that for me • You wore the chains so I could be free • Yeah, yeah • You did that for me • • And I don’t have to be ashamed • Hang my head or shoulder the blame • Wondering if my life’s been in vain • I don’t have to be ashamed • • Oh, you did that for me • Oh, you did that for me • You wore the chains so I could be free • Yeah, yeah • You did that for me • • Man of sorrows • Well acquainted with grief • Drug down to the city dump • Spread eagle on a cross beam • Propped up like a scarecrow • Nailed like a thief • There for all the world to see • • You wore the chains so I could be free • Yeah, yeah • Oh Lord, you did that for me • Oh Lord, you did that for me, You wore the chains so I could be free • •

There have been many reminders lately of the old me…I mean, I’m still me…but, I feel like I’ve grown a lot in the past 10 years, and maybe I’m a bit proud of me.    I am not so proud of the things I’ve done, the people I’ve hurt in my own woundedness…my own insecurity.  I was reminded today of how differently I view faith now versus – oh, even 2 yrs ago.  I hope/think I know now that I don’t really have any of the answers.  I used to be one of those who felt like there was only one right way, one right church, one right way to worship, etc..geez, that has changed for me so many times I have to know now that there is definitely more than one right church,  right service, right way to pray, all of that stuff.

I guess it’s all a very slow process, and as I see it, the more honest we are able to be with ourselves, the more we grow.    Lately I’ve been confronted with my past…my high school past, and gosh I wish I could remember more of that time in my life…or, maybe not on second thought.   I have to admit that I was pretty superficial, probably not the nicest person, and mostly just trying to survive – get through one day at a time.    As I remember people I’ve come into contact with lately, memories are starting to come back slowly…but they are not good memories…not things I would want to think about again.   I think I was more focused on boys than real relationships…I thought I WAS in real relationships, but now I realize there were only a small number of them.   But, I’ve been amazed at how much those old feelings of insecurity have surfaced by just being on facebook – seeing and talking to people from so long ago.  I thought I was so past all of that – I am wondering WHAT about that time in my life made me so afraid of everything?  I wonder if my “friends” at the time were even aware of the horrible time I was going through…and I now wish I had been more transparent and honest and REAL.   I’ve learned a lot, I suppose…but I feel like I’ve missed out on PEOPLE,  people who were in my life that I pretty much discarded…did not look in the face…or pursue a real relationship with because I was too afraid.  Wow.  I was sort of talking to my sister about this today, and she was really surprised…in her view, I was very social, very popular, and well adjusted.  I wonder…I just wonder.  OK…enough navel gazing…

Gosh, I wish I was better with people.  Today I was marveling at how far I’ve come from having to have the approval of others to feel good about myself.  I thought I had learned who I was and I liked that person!  Then tonight we went to a really neat birthday party for a friend’s little boy.  There were a lot of people there…some I had seen before, some I had not.   And, maybe it’s because I’m not feeling so great right now, but I just felt like I could not communicate with anyone in the room.  I was much more comfortable chasing my kids around than trying to talk to someone I did not know very well…and a lot of the people knew each other, and everyone was very nice to me.  It was not at all like folks were unfriendly…I just do not do this setting very well…and I felt like I was the social moron on the room…like people were wondering what was wrong with that woman over there who is so quiet or weird?   I’m that person, you know…the one who hears what is coming out of her mouth and then wonders, “Where the hell did that come from?” .   Just do not have social grace at all.  I wish I did.    At one point, I can be full of confidence and having fun and talking to people, and then on a different day with different people, I can just crawl into my little hole of weird shyness.   Do I have multiple personalities?

I know there are not very many folks who frequent here, but for those who do…I am curious:

Why do you believe in God, and pursue a relationship with Him?  Is it because you were raised that way?  Or perhaps you have nothing left…?  Do you experience something in Him that you cannot find somewhere else?  Why do you stick with Him?  What keeps you asking questions and talking to Him?  I would really appreciate any feedback you can give me…just to satisfy my own curiousity.

Last night I was writing a post in my mind…now I don’t have the same words to do it.  I am tired.  Very very tired.  My kids don’t sleep.  Well, one of them.  We’ve tried everything.  I used to say that when we had not tried everything, but today I can honestly say we’ve tried everything.  So, we are tired.

Anyhoooo….last night we had our small group meeting.  The first Sunday of the month, the group attends the praise and prayer service at the church instead of doing the regular routine.  The first song was touching…and then the second was dull and the third began to make me angry.  And question things again.

The songs were geared towards the message, which was hope.  It was actually a pretty good talk, but as we sang these songs about God as our hope and the God who saves and how we are to bless His name even in times of trials, I couldn’t help but think about my friend, Barbara…I haven’t even met her, but have been on her blog and she on mine and so I feel like we are friends.   I have felt like she feels about God many times before and still do to some extent.  Anyway, I couldn’t help but think about her as we sat there singing happily about this God who saves…and as we were told that He does hear us when we cry out and He wants what is best for us.  Barbara has been crying out to God about her son for a long time, and God has been no help to her.  Now she is dealing with his drug problem, and it all seems to be so huge.   I was so mad!  Why?  Why are we taught these things?  Why does the Bible say these things?  I even heard several readings from Psalms, that talked about God actually hearing David and answering him and that he would answer his people, etc…but that doesn’t seem to be true for so many.  Why?

I started to think about what God thinks about this boy who is taking drugs…does He think it’s a good thing, and that it is a process they must go through?  I wondered if those things even matter to Him at all.  In the grand scheme of things…does it matter what our lives really look like?  Does it matter what we do on earth?   Because if someone’s intentions were so pure…if someone wanted to be good and “godly” and to do right so badly, but could not even when they’ve asked and asked for God’s help, then it must not really matter, right?  Maybe that doesn’t make any sense.  I started to think about the things that we think are “bad” the things that we believe to be hurt, hardship, etc.. and wonder if God sees those things the same way we do, or if it’s something we’ve created.  Yes, we believe it’s bad to do drugs, and that it’s sad for a person to be depressed, and to be lost and all of those things…but are those things really “bad” in God’s eyes?

If so many bad things happen to good people, then are they really bad?

It’s just the age old question again:  Why do these things happen to people?  The answer I’ve always been given is: sin, man’s brokenness.    Still, I can’t understand that this is just the way things are.  Unless we just don’t understand God.  It doesn’t make sense to me that a God of love and compassion, of justice, or righteousness, the God who loves the weak and the poor…that this God would stand by and just watch these things…

So.  The message last night.  It brought a little clarity.  The most hopeful thing about the message was that, different from the songs, the man who spoke did not claim to understand the age old question himself.   He spoke on a passage in First Corinthians that I do believe was Paul talking to a number of churches, not just the Corinthians.  He spoke about the troubles that they faced in Asia, and how God has been sparing them of trouble where they were presently…and he talked about how comfort is given to people only so that those people can give it to those who need comfort in return.  I liked that.   He also talked about the only hope we have is Jesus.   This I didn’t understand too much.   Is this because Jesus came to earth and suffered as we do, probably much worse than most, and did all of that so that we can be with Father one day?  Is that our hope?  Being in heaven with Father?  Is our only hope the life we will have after death?   Or, like so many teach (which I don’t agree with), is it that we are to have hope in what Jesus can do for us on this earth?  Is this where we get it so wrong?  Can he do something for us here at all?  Except be our hope for what we will be after we die?

In actuality, I don’t remember much of this year before May.  I know that my good friend Sarah was blessed with a perfect pregnancy after a rough patch of starts…I think I spent a lot of time on the internet researching Cincinnati and looking for realtors.  Then we took our first trip to Ohio to look for houses.  So, I’ll begin with May…

May – The movers came May 8th, to Nebraska…the kids and I left on the 9th for Texas to see family while Luke moved the cats and the car.  It was a hard hard trip to Texas…one of the worst.   I actually don’t know that I’ll be back any time soon.

June – This must have been the hardest month for me as we were living in a hotel while looking for a house in Cincy.   I do not recommend living in an extended stay with an infant and a 2 yr old.  We experienced major discipline trouble with Mayah because she was just going through so much!  We had our laundry stolen…and our house in Nebraska sold!!!  That was just one of those little gifts – like a whole box full of diamonds in the middle of a snake pit.   Mayah also started dance class in June, which is also a fun treat for everyone…if I could box that up…:)

July – We went to the mountains for the 4th of July with Luke’s family – a much needed reprieve from hotel life.   And finally at the end of July we closed on a house in Cincy!!

August – Moved into the new house….and all that goes with that.  Married 6 yrs and actually had a date for the first time in quite a while to celebrate!

September – Luke’s birthday…joined a small group at a Baptist church…never thought I’d step foot in one of THOSE again!  But, we met some friends that changed our minds…began going to MOPS, library reading time, OMG I almost sound like one of those normal soccer mom types that loves organized religion!  Ha!

October – full of birthdays and costumes.  We got over our previous crazy reactions to halloween and decided to let our kids have some fun with it.  We went trick or treating in our neighborhood and then to a church halloween party with a moon walk and  a “trunk or treat.”  Mayah was Cinderella, Raggedy Ann and a doctor.  Sam turned one…it was a good day, especially after his tough beginning.  He hated his cake and barfed it up…

November – my folks came HERE, and it was much better than I expected it to be.  They showered the kids with gifts and brought turkey, tamales and fajitas from Texas for a feast.  We invited our neighbor over who was recently widowed…it was altogether a good time.  And then…I turned 30.  I also got to go back to Nebraska and see my friend’s new baby…Katie Mae.  I went without the kids and got to sleep a lot!  It was good.

December – Mayah turned 3, and we had our first birthday party for her – well, first REAL kids’ party anyway!  At Chick Fil A.  I would HIGHLY recommend this to anyone with a pre-schooler.  They were wonderful hosts and it was easy, organized, clean, and cheap!  And who doesn’t like Chick Fil A?  Christmas…was nice and simple.  The best way.  We celebrated our first family christmas alone and it was awesome.

We’ve settled in…Mayah is going to start preschool in January.  Sam is still seeing the doctor about every 6 weeks and having blood work done.  He’ll continue to be on thyroid medication.  He seems to be doing fine developmentally though, and he brings us so much joy.  The kid is just smiles all around, and it’s contagious. Luke has done extremely well at work and has been able to work on some cool projects in addition to his main job (which I have no idea how to explain).

I’m a little bit nervous about what the new year will bring…everything seems to be in disarray outside of our little world, and I seem to be waiting for it to invade our space too.  We will see.

Happy New Year!!!